Saturday, 2 November 2013

Here I am creating an answer sheet for English Homework exercises. Exercise 5 - Analogies; Cat is to Kitten as Dog is to … Well of course the children are meant to write puppy, but a far more creative and mischievous pupil would instantly see the fun to be had here. Cat is to Kitten as dog is to eat both, Cat is to kitten as dog is to shit, Cat is to kitten as dog is to be put down children, it has cancer. Holy christ, spare me from the belief that English is somehow ordered and based on principles and systems. There really is nothing more unprincipled and disordered and unsystematic than we English. In ALDI I saw a boy lean out of the trolley at an angle of greater than 45 degrees, defying physics, to steal some sweets, while his mother bellowed into a mobile phone. The woman can speak to satellites yet she cannot speak to her own child. The child can perform gravity defying acrobatics and steal with graceful impunity, yet it cannot read, speak or prevent its own baby teeth from turning into black and rotting stumps. This is what English culture is, a black and rotting stump of a begging child's tooth, while our government bellow lies into mobile phones to Andy Coulson, Rebecca Brookes, the NSA and Angela Merkle's Auntie Agatha from Aachen. Aaaagghhh.

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