Friday, 7 November 2008

Adulterated coffee

In the 1970s coffee was called Mellow Birds and it was mixed with chicory. That's because the 70s were shit and everyone was poor, newly-weds were electrocuted in their beds by nylon sheets and there were no cars.
But now everything is better - newly weds can video their electro free sex and put it on you-porn and everybody has lots of cars. So what has happened to coffee? Why can't we go  back to adulterating it with better things and make it better too? Mellow Birds would be re-branded as Red Hot Birds (which would be true, providing you didn't add too much milk) and we could put better things in it like dynamite, glue or viagra. Women unable to conceive could drink coffee mixed with the powdered wombs of super fertile Russian women who could sell them on e-bay. And once we have saturated the market with a stunning range of coffee products, we could move on to tea, hot chocolate and even Bovril. Tea'n'retinas for people who are blind, hot cock-a-lot for nymphomaniacs or gay people, Barfy Bovril for people who like drinking sick.

There's a new world out there and I'm going to build it.

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