Tuesday, 11 November 2008

Neighbourhood watch

I was making a cheese sandwich this lunchtime when I heard someone's house alarm going off. I looked out of my front room window, saw a blue light flashing and decided to go over the road to investigate. There was another man from next door who popped his head over the fence just as I arrived. I rattled the door to show him that all was hunky dory, but he thought I was the burglar and started shouting. I tried to explain but he wouldn't listen, he just ran after me with a spade. He chased me across the road but it was wet and slippery and, not being secure in his footing, he fell down in front of an oncoming lorry. I didn't have time to ponder the dilemma about saving a man who was threatening to hit me with a spade, he was so terrified of imminent death he had even soiled himself, so I just grabbed his trousers and dragged him clear with seconds to spare, afterwards making sure that I tied his hands up with his belt and confiscated his spade to prevent him assailing me.
On reflection I think I spent too much time trying to explain the affair to the passers by; had I been more succinct they might not have become an angry mob so hell bent on destruction. I might just about be able to pay for the windows but there's no way I'm going to accept responsibility for the pile up.

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